On the path to enlightenment

Hey old friend,

Dear online diary with no privacy,

I just watched you're the apple of my eye. It brought some tears as I smile and recall my story.

It was one of the big major event or process in my emotional life for the last 4 (has it been so long ago?) years. Yet it's nothing I could not bear with a smile on my face.

It's nothing I could not bear because I had been through worse. I can't believe I would ever say this but I am grateful to has experienced depression about 10 years ago. Doesn't mean that I would wish to experience it again nor wish it upon anyone. It's because of the experience that I am able to understand suffering, to bear through 2 period of unemployment in less than a year without much worry, to be able to generate compassion for all those who are unenlightened, for they are liable to experience these suffering that I had been through.

That makes me want to attain stream winner and help others to do the same as soon as possible. Along this path, should I meet someone whom I had deep kammic connection with in my past life, and that the worldly condition allows us to meet regularly, May I have the strength to choose the greater happiness and not cause undue suffering to others. Remembering the suffering I had been through, my I have Great Compassion that keeps me firmly on the swift path towards enlightenment to benefit all sentient beings. Just like the Buddha who had left his wife out of love for her and all beings to search for the end of suffering, which he did helped his wife to attain it, so may this be an inspiration for me.

At the same time recalling how hard it is for two lovers to come together, I sincerely wish all my close couple friends, all those whom I know, all those in the world, to have mostly happiness in being together and have minimal suffering from their attachments.

Sometimes I used to cry why me? Why did I had to be so deep in the Dhamma that I wish to be a celibate? Tonight I do not think so any more, it's no longer a chain binding me. I am glad to have the aspiration to be celibate to practice well. I am blessed.

At some point on the way to enlightenment, as you to see suffering as just suffering, not "my suffering", then there is no more anger towards suffering, aversion to suffering is gone and there one experiences the impersonality of suffering. One can then bear whatever suffering on the path to enlightenment. These suffering are worth the suffering, because it is the suffering to end all suffering.

My life for this period of 2013

Can't think of a good title quick enough, can't think of something cool to write for now, so let's have some update of my life.

Wow, the last time I did an update on my life was just 1 year ago. This is insane. Either my ego has gone down, or I've been on a minor depressive episode, or I've not have real stress for over a year or I'm too addicted to instant entertainment to want to blog about myself. Maybe it's all of them.

Well, so I guess this is telling you guys what happened for the last 12 months. So in August 2012 I.....
Nope, can't be bothered to remember even the most important things that happened each month. Ok, I will but maybe it's better to recall it backwards...I'm going to use facebook to help me too. Man no one will read this, the whole article is too long and the months are either too long or too short. Well, anyway it's a good record.

August 2013:
Resumed my flexible timetable to discipline myself, I'm still a little bit lagging behind, but it works well so far.
I attended NUSBS AGM for the election of the 35th MC, had 32nd MC reunion dinner, there's this PMT Symposium for 3 masters one tradition....

It's boring to just list it all down and inputting no comments on them right? But it's too many events... Oh well.

Minh came back to pack up a few things, we had dinner with the Physics guys together, the 4 French people came back! It's interesting to see Arifin help to fix up my earphone (thanks bud!).

Oh and I helped out at the SPS NOC, as a Group Orientation Leader. It's a bunch of normal kids so far as I can see. And not much pretty girls... Ok, quite a few already. (Man this is going to generate a lot of gossip) Well, I mean, there's no point of chasing any of them even though my cousins pointed out that I'm the one who has the most chance of getting a girlfriend if I wanted to. I have a personal rule laid down after getting rejected the first time: be friends with the girl for at least 1 year or until I am sure that she's single, Buddhist, and not averse to me, whichever one that's later. So it's kinda fun being just friends with girls and losing the ability to flirt.

Next, also this PMT M.U.S.I.C. group which Hung is part of is getting to be more and more prominent as I've attended quite a few of their performances in a lot of places. It started in January and I didn't get pass the interview, but I kinda know almost everyone in the group already. Well, anyway looking back, I'm glad I didn't get in. My interest in Buddhism lies more along the way of intellectual and practise rather than spreading the Dhamma via music. Well, I did suggest such an event to NUSBS too.

Oh ya, I also got invited to speak at the Campaign Ehi Passiko as one of the speaker for their events. It's a small group, but it's kinda cool to be invited like that. Speaking of which I also did a 5 precepts presentation in MDC! Cool.

Also work wise, I dropped in a couple of days in this event: http://www.ntu.edu.sg/ias/upcomingevents/FMDS/Pages/default.aspx It kinda inspire me to start a map of Physics. More on that when I'm done with it.

Wow, I guess when I do think about it, I've done a lot in a month. I should totally update my life more frequently, it's good for self-esteem!

July:
I've went for Hair for Hope, shaving my head to raise fund for Children with Cancer. https://www.hairforhope.org.sg/index.php?/shavee/idetails/374 And I raised $70! Yay! Should have used this blog for more publicity, but anyway...

I've went back to Malaysia for a weekend reunion of cousins, and celebrating 55th Anniversary of the wedding of my paternal grandparents! Awesome event of a dinner where I've met a lot of elderly!

I can remember the Awaken Challenge! I was the main question setter and this marks the reason I've joined in the PMT Youth Group as a Committee member. Man I've not done the handover stuffs to wrap this thing up. Anyway, I've met http://chademeng.com/ Chade Meng and he talks about bringing world peace by teaching everyone meditation! Make sense. He also confess that it might well be an impossible goal, but someone's gotta do it anyway. That is impressive.

Further into the past, there was a lot of weekend events that made me busy... Also made us pushed back the dates of the Awaken Challenge. This includes: 8th Global Conference on Buddhism and the next one was on June, so stay tuned.
http://www.buddhistfellowship.org/cms/index.php?/Conference/8th-global-conference-on-buddhism.html
There, we had this two resolutions that are voted to pass, with more than 90% of the votes I believe.

8th GLOBAL CONFERENCE ON BUDDHISM PASSES RESOLUTIONS AGAINST VIOLENCE IN
BUDDHIST COUNTRIES, AND BOMBING IN INDIA
Delegates from Singapore and overseas attended the two-day 8th Global Conference on
Buddhism, held in Singapore on 6 and 7 July 2013. Drawing on the presence of 1,200
delegates from the various Buddhist traditions, the Conference culminated in the passing of
two resolutions concerning the on-going violence against Muslims in Buddhist countries,
and the bombing of the MahaBodhi Temple in Bodhgaya, India on 7 July 2013.
The resolutions were a response from the Buddhist community towards these international
incidents, and passed with an overwhelming majority of more than 95% voting in favour.

Resolution on the violence against Muslims in Buddhist countries
“We hereby wish to inform our Muslim brothers and sisters that as Buddhists, we are
deeply concerned by the violent treatment of Muslims at the hands of people claiming
to be Buddhists.
Islam is a religion of peace and Buddhism a religion of non-violence. These are ideals
for all mankind, regardless of differences in beliefs and customs. We call upon the
leaders of the Buddhist and Muslim communities to condemn all acts of violence and
to use their influence to encourage all to be gentle and act with compassion. We also
call on governments to take firm measures against murder, assault, arson, rape and
other acts of violence and incitement to violence, and take the appropriate action
against offenders, whatever their social status.”

Resolution on the bombing in India
“We are deeply saddened but we forgive those responsible for bombing the
Mahabodhi Temple in Bodhgaya.
You may damage the most important temple in Buddhism but you will not destroy our
faith in forgiveness and compassion. “

 “Buddhism is a religion of compassion and wisdom,” said Ms Angie Chew Monksfield,
organising chairperson of the Global Conference on Buddhism and President of Buddhist
Fellowship, said: “While we are saddened by the violence in Myanmar and the bombings in
India, we recognise that the only lasting solution towards such acts of violence is
forgiveness. The resolutions are a concrete way of demonstrating our commitment to
peace. We hope that these resolutions will contribute towards resolving the conflicts in a
peaceful and effective manner.”
Datuk Dr Victor Wee, President of Buddhist Gem Fellowship Malaysia, said: “I am
heartened to see Buddhists from all traditions using this opportunity to engage each
other on current issues of critical importance. We have discussed and passed public
resolutions on these two issues, based on the Buddhist principles of kindness and
wisdom.”
The Conference included topics and presenters such as “Search Inside Yourself” by Mr Tan
Chade-Meng of Google, “Challenges to Buddhism: Taking the Buddha Seriously” by
Professor Richard Gombrich of Oxford University, and “Buddhist Bioethics in Medicine and
Research” by Dr Ho Eu Chin.
About the Organiser of the Conference - Buddhist Fellowship
Buddhist Fellowship is a non-sectarian English speaking Buddhist group that focuses on the
learning of the Buddha’s Teachings and the practice of meditation. It has over 5,000
members and has been a dynamic force in the Buddhist community in advocating
modernization and bringing issues into the open for discussion and resolution.

This is also the month that I've gotten myself into a pen-and-paper role-playing game, only this age, we use https://app.roll20.net/sessions/new for online communication without having to physically get together to play. The setting's based on the Song of Ice and Fire or the Game of Thrones as it is called in the TV version. Too much sexual stuffs in it for me to want to pick up the TV or the books, but the story seems cool, and the world cruel. We've just finished a chapter and I'm playing the good guy who doesn't even want to kill.

Also I think I've presented in MDC on different types of Meditation Retreats.

June:
The Metta convention was attended and it was very cool! http://mettaroundtheworld.org/blog/2013/05/20/metta-convention-29-30-june-2013/
Other than that... I've joined in the NUSBS Meditation Retreat in Bekok! It's the nicest retreat I've been to yet, but I'm currently slacking behind on my daily meditation schedule.

This was also the month of the Haze, and the month I found my new roommate JerJer.

May:
was a bad month for me. Secondly, (because it happened after the first, and I'm recalling it backwards) it's because I've been scammed. Articles: http://ngxinzhaomonk.blogspot.sg/2013/05/i-got-scammed.html
http://ngxinzhaomonk.blogspot.sg/2013/05/street-smart-20-advises-to-not-get.html
I've been very prejudiced and cynical on a lot of outside things from then on. Also I've potentially saved someone from being scammed in KL just recently.

And firstly, Malaysia's opposition lost by an unfair election: http://ngxinzhaomonk.blogspot.sg/2013/05/a-superhero-response-to-malaysias.html despite me going back to vote: http://ngxinzhaomonk.blogspot.sg/2013/05/my-voting-experience.html

April:
was a good month for me! I've gotten my Nintendo 3DS then. It's a time sucker, please do not get it so soon, even when Pokemon X and Y is due on October 12. Or else there's a ton of games that you can play with it, the advertising strategy for games they use for the 3DS is awesome and amazing. Blame the low flow of articles on this blog on it too.

And there's the usual NUSBS Dana Lunch and Congress. Oh and my sister came to Singapore to work! It's been 5 months!

March:

I've joined in this:

IAS Workshops/Conferences:

25 to 27 March 2013

1st IAS-CERN Workshop on Particle Physics and Cosmology - Status, Implications and Technology

My cousins are in Singapore! But I've just attended very little activities with them. Like the Shan You Family Day. I've joined in the NTUBS 1 day meditation retreat, and got burned out to attend any more Buddhist activities earlier. But there was the social event of celebrating Jian Hong's Birthday by the 34th MC. Somehow I got in there (by being busybody in their Open House).

Also
Institute of Physics Singapore Meeting, which is mostly talking about Condensed Matter Physics
http://www.ipsmeeting.org/index.html

February:
Ah facebook does help, there's these events:
Linda's Graduation, Cousin's Wedding, Poh Ming Tse CNY Lunch
And making badges in Buddhism Awareness Week, going back for CNY....

January:
I was busy looking for a new laptop, which I got a tentative one on Feb or March, I go back about once a month on average now? And I volunteered for Alms and Sangha Offering 2013 on the first day of Jan. 
Also there's the announcement for Pokemon X and Y that month, I offered to mentor an Alcubierre Drive Lit Review (which became part of my research now). And I sat in for some modules (Advanced Dynamics and Quantum Field Theory)

December 2012:
There was a meditation retreat at Pengerang, by Kwan Yin Chan Lin, I met Mike (who was part of Awaken Challenge organizer team) there and straight after the retreat, I was involved in the Spiritual Countdown at KMSPKS then stayed overnight for the Alms offering the next day. It was crazy! Anyway in the Spiritual Countdown, I got famous again... in being shameless in singing! Apparently I went back home again for another reunion... and there was the NUSBS Dhamma Camp which I stayed over for the last night. And there was a Pokemon event that I attended. I was playing Pokemon White 2 then which I got during  October.

November:
I deactivated my facebook then, so not much information about this month. But I remember going for the retreat in Genting Highlands of the Plum Village tradition. Oh maybe the deactivation was for the NanoWrimo! I got in and won again! Cheated a bit at that.

October:
Got Pokemon White 2. Joined in Intervarsity Dhamma Camp. I think 2 girls are having a crush on me at that time. Joined in a Vero race, was very very active in bringing people out via the Temple Explorers Singapore Group. And started Class at Mangala Vihara on Diploma at Buddhist and Pali College Singapore where I volunteered to be Class Representative.

September:
Joined in an Abhidhamma Course straight after a course on Visuddhi magga, and spent a lot on movies at the Buddhist Film Festival.

My recent weekends

This coming weekend will be spend in Malaysia.

My recent weekends were spend this way:

18-19th Aug: SPS Newbie Orientation Camp, I was the game master, for two of the most fun games in the camp (in my opinion) and got to know quite a lot of the newbies.

11-12th Aug: Helped in LDW for Saturday morning, afternoon at Buddhist Fellowship with Chriswini Tanaka and Jasper Ang, night celebrating The Return of Thuan Beng and Mukthar, Sunday morning gone treetop walk, afternoon at Tergar Singapore in Tai Pei Buddhist Centre, night relax, play and time for facebook and me.

The ones before that was non-working period, so not so remarkable. 

More remarkable is that the next weekend, 1st-2nd Sep, I will be joining "Joy of Living" by Tergar Singapore, missing out both Tzu Chi one-day camp (which I went twice already) and NUSBS MC handover day (which I had 3 already). 

Graduation done list.

Here's the list that I've done from the previous one.

1. Found a place to live.
• Minh had kindly offered me a place to live in Clementi, as his roommate. Recently I've cleaned the room with him and the place is very near NUS and cheap! Good deal for the next 3 years!
2. Found a job.
• Refer to this.
3. Play
• Marvel: Avengers Alliance is my main game now: Level 127
• Pokemon trading should be done within a few days: not done.
• Movies: Watched MIB 3, Avengers, The Amazing Spiderman and The Dark Knight Rises.
• Finish up Fringe: Not yet, starting Young Justice.
• Presenting the Brain Band: done a bit, should use it more.
• Boardgame: Mainly playing Cashflow now.
• Computer games: Not really interested.
4. Tie up loose ends
• Finish up some more work on my Honours Project: not done
• Write that report for the Summer Research: not done
• Go through all the stars in my gmail: not done
• Check for the after graduation stuffs, for international students, Loan, Grant, Work Pass, etc...in progress
5. Religion
• As usual, get to attend all that I can attend, and in fact bring more people in via Temple Explorers Singapore!
• NUSBS Meditation Retreat,
• Tzu Chi: Near to joining as member,
• MDC: going to be treating them soon... as my first paycheck comes.
• Awaken Challenge
• Weekend visits to temples with cousin and friends: precursor to temple explorers.
• Other Buddhist Societies events...
6. Plan for graduation trip
• My graduation trip was back home, with NUSBS friends, tiring, hmmm... but haven written about it yet.

That's all for now.

Love

I've been reading Ender's series by Orson Scott Card lately, and in it I find a truth that mankind does find one of the highest happiness in mundane live is the holiness in the love between two person. He puts it in the sense of the purpose of living is to love and breed. Why would anyone want to become celibate?

I've been reading the Rave Master Manga too and there is surprisingly a lot of things that I learned over there.

One of the few things is that love is such a powerful force of motivation, it can keep one person to keep on fighting for 50 years. Even love for a person whom you believed to be dead.

Even the Buddha was searching for the truth out of love for all beings in the world. As the motivation goes on, love is the one that can get one to go the distance, and once the river is crossed, it is time to let all attachments go. Yet, compassion and loving-kindness remains, therefore the Buddha came to teach us what to develop in order to see the truth.

Now I know why had I allowed myself to fall in love. I needed more than just theoretical knowledge of all these. I needed the experience, the emotions, the motivations, the hurt, the pain, the understanding of these. I needed to know what I was planning to let go of. I needed to know why did I choose to live such hardships.

It was a risk to fall in love, but I wouldn't regret the outcome either way. Now I know why I'm not regretting this outcome.

Another month, another story

One month had passed by since 2012 began, so much has happened, so much to tell.

One heart heals from many wounds, one learns to see and rediscover the meaning of life.

One trip back is not enough, going back home again tomorrow night.

One book about Ender is good, more sequels, parallel stories are all welcomed.

One event to organize, and 12 different Buddhist Organizations coming, not counting TIBS who are coming too.

One girl to Buaya, too little effort made.

One project to finish, getting more interesting by the second.

One module to handle, easy as pie.

One senior mentor just added to http://sps.nus.edu.sg/people/mentors/student/.

One learns to become intelligent and unafraid to be it.

2011 December Adventures

Continuing from my last update, I went for Om quest the day (Saturday) just before going to NUSBS Dharma Camp. I had to pack on Sunday and when to Cheng Beng Buddhist Society that night itself. Thanks to Tzyh Haur for letting me put my stuffs in his room. Well, Om Quest, Johan, Wen Xin, Jason, Shi Jie and I went for it, we got the last position, yet I find it to be very nice, as some of the places we went to was new to me.

I had joined in the NUSBS Dharma Camp, behaved myself properly most of the time, and enjoyed it in as much as I could inspire others. The camp was the smallest that I had been to, with more than half of the people are 2nd or more timer. However, as I said in facebook, best (in terms of activities, Dharma content, atmosphere, personal experiences, and thus overall, oh ya and the best people!) NUSBS Dharma Camp in my 4 years of joining! I was involved in making one of the games. Oh ya, and my group got the best sketch!

 

Yup, the sword and Nintendo DSi was part of the props. Hehehe.

After the camp, I went to Johor with Wen Xin to join in a Vajrayana Puja, of Karmapa linage, the temple of Pertubuhan Penganut Agama Buddha Goshir Dharma Negeri Johor. That temple alone organised a huge 3-4 hour procession that saw over 1200 participant walking and promoting the Buddha Dharma Sangha to the city of Johor Bahru. Wen Xin's family was heading the organising team, and I had the good fortune to be witness to a culture so different from the usual Theravadan one I was used to and to learn a lot of the many cool things that needs some explanation. I find myself searching about Tibetan Buddhism too.

After 3 nights of staying over and helping out, I went back to Singapore and had a meeting with my FYP Prof before going back to Petaling Jaya using a Konsortium Bus straight from Singapore. I was carrying my bagpack, laptop bag, and a heavy luggage bag. With the luggage bag at the bottom of the bus, I went on the bus and played Pokemon on my Nintendo DSi for the remainder of the trip. When I came to my destination, the bus was only stopping for a while in KL. They called me out and I barely got my bagpack and laptop bag ready, stepped down of the bus, and someone asked me if I required a taxi.

Then the bus when off. With my luggage! I chased the bus for a while, and then after realising that it is not stopping anywhere near, I realised that I once again lost something and had to learn to let go. Well, thinking back, I am glad that I gave the Buddha statue I got from the Vajrayana puja to Hung, and put only clothes in the luggage bag. Including a lot of Buddhism shirt. 4 years of NUSBS Dharma Camp T-shirt, 2 years of NTUBS Dharma Camp T-shirt, the new T-shirt I got from the Vajrayana puja, and some cool long pants that I had to wear during the Dharma Camp (inside a temple). Well, it’s just clothes, I left not so sad… even less effect than that time I got cheated 20 pounds in UK. I’m glad that I left a pant in Wen Xin’s home (did laundry there), maybe I should had left more there… Oh well.

However, just to make sure that I do my part in my responsibility to recover it, I spend a lot of the time on the 14th December to call up the company and found out that the bus was going to Hatyai, Thailand. It’s a scary thing to know that I am able to let go so easily and not feel sad or motivated to find it back. If I hadn’t learn Buddhism, I might had been very anxious to want to find it back and that would be a very good motivation to call and make sure I got it back. Instead, now I call because I think I have at least that responsibility to try to track down where my stuffs are. That night I when to the D2Y (Dharma Duta Youth) Camp with my parents to see my sister, Ching Yuan to perform in a sketch (their camp sketch was on the 3rd night, and open to the parents of the participants!). That night the Singapore office called me and told me that the driver will be bringing the bag for me tomorrow, near midnight again.

Well, tomorrow I was in another camp. INCOVAR Camp. It’s the second time I joined in and I really was looking forward to re-experiencing the wonderful experiences I had the first time (refer to this blog somewhere on the 31st INCOVAR Dharma Camp which I went to). Ok, so my parents will have to find my bag for me. I had to leave the camp early too, to meet my friends in Melaka, to bring them around Melaka.

INCOVAR Dharma Camp, the 35th, was the smallest camp I had been to. On the first night, there were 10 participants, most of which where not first timers. Plus the organisers, we were about 10 people less than NUSBS Dharma Camp. Ok I am used to small camps by now, yet as the days when on, (the first day was draggy and not so enjoyable, as before), I started to like the small camp more and more, for the interaction that we have, the noble silence that is automatic, although not compulsory, during meal times, and there is Bante Kumara! The same Bante I just meet less than 3 weeks ago, just after my exam, and before the NUSBS Dharma Camp. That made me like this camp, plus the sharing of Buddhist Societies later that night…and of course the singing of The Phantom the Opera…we even sang the Lazy Song! The IXP this time was that we had to make our own tang yuan, with insides filled with different stuffs, representing the good and bad experiences with our family. Then they cooked it and we eat it. Amazing! Not much fun and games, but there was a Guardian Angel game. Joe, from UM Buddhist Society was my guardian angel, and I was Ka Yin, Ken Juin’s sister’s Guardian Angel. Some people from D2Y Camp came over to join in INCOVAR on the latter days as well! I had to leave early as I said, so I left in the middle of the sharing session after IXP.

My parents (who came to fetch me) told me that the bag was taken in Hatyai by someone who claimed to be my relative. Well, so long bag! Haha, nothing much I can do about it anyway. I done what I could. We went to Melaka the next day, I brought Tzyh Haur, Hung and Minh on a trip to visit the Historical city! Well, I wasn’t really a good host, my family was a better one. They came on Sunday leaving on Tuesday, and I was going back to PJ on Monday because I’m going to Penang on Tuesday for a family trip. On Monday morning, I brought them to visit Hutan Rekreasi, taking photographs of Dinosaurs!

At Penang, we reached late at night, with the 5 of us in the family. Dad, Mom, 2 Younger sisters and me. 3rd aunt’s home was just not the same without Jia Long and Ting Hui there. I slept in Jia Long’s new room and well, had to do some work for NUSBS! Haha. The next day was a booked van to Hatyai. Yup, the place where my bag was supposed to be lost.

 At Hatyai, we got 2 nights and 3 days, my dad, mom and sis wants to shop most of the time. Well, I was “I don’t want new clothes…” and prefer to walk around the hotel (Lee Gardens) we were in, seeing the temples, playing pokemon, rather than shopping. I was rather a bit sad to lose so many long pants, I had to buy them! And I don’t like having new things, not when there are people suffering without new clothes elsewhere. This whole culture of buying is just promoting waste!

Second time in Thailand, I visited this:

 

And realised finally why are there so many people of other nationalities who come to NUS but from Thailand, I only met a handful. The whole culture is in Thai language! From Harry Potter to religious books. Barely found anything English there.

But I like Thailand, a whole country full of Buddhism! Just look at this! It’s found in the bookstore as a normal offering meant for the public! Nice…

On the night of the second day, I went down the hotel to

 

a store I happen to pass-by and then was surprised to find it right in front of the hotel. Well, I just realised that I could had called them to make sure they had the bag in Hatyai, asked them to wait and then when we went to Hatyai, I go and collect the bag. Well, I didn’t had the strong enough motivation to think of that then. Now instead, I was walking into the store, to check on the bag, just to satisfy my urge to be responsible for my lost. I was expecting nothing. No bag. Just in case of the off chance that it… it most probably isn’t there.

On the off chance, I managed to communicate myself to them and fortunately one of them remembered me calling and quoting the bus number. She asked me to come and see and then there it was!

A miracle.

Lost 8 days ago, and I found it. Well the trip was worth it. Whatever else we did there. Buffer dinner to celebrate! It seems that my family was wayyyy more excited at me finding the bag back than I am myself.

Then we went back to Penang the next day, spend Christmas eve there watching TV, going to eat Cendol… And Christmas morning walking around a dam, visiting Kek Lok Si Temple, and then back to PJ, with William and Michelle visiting.

Then finally I could rest and sleep for 10-12 or more hours straight for a few days at home.

Until 24 Hour Metta, which I volunteered for the timing of 12pm-4pm on the 31st and 12am-8am on New Year’s day. It was a meaningful way to get into a new year. I met Joe, Wong Dan Yi, and some other people from the Malaysian Buddhist Circles there! NUS representative! Haha.

Winner of NaNoWriMo!

This is the one moment I had been waiting for a whole month! 50k mark is passed. About 133 pages of Novel is done, and it is halfway through.

I'm quite lucky for being able to write it without exam pressure as I had only Japanese 1 exam, and I planned to S/U it. So there was a lot of free days in which I just devoted the days into the novel.

There was three periods in which I stopped for a few days through. The latest being because I became a Kapiya for Bante Kumara in Poh Ming Tse temple for 2 days and then join in his Adult Dharma Course Lite for 2 days.

It was a worthwhile use of my time, both at the ADC Lite and the novel writing. And today I also did a very brave thing. I felt so relieved and happy after doing it.

Anyway, the important thing to learn here is that mindfulness, meditation can be applied in daily life no matter what you are doing. And I am not writing consistently anymore as NaNoWriMo demands words over quality, and not to delete anything you wrote. Ah, well, there are somethings in life you cannot finish sharing. Here I shall finish the novel up by next semester, and then let it go, not going to write a sequel to it. I got to live my life now instead of 3 years ago! How much has I matured, yet still so immature. Haha.

NanoWriMo

Hey guys and gals,

It seems much easier to write on a blog than to write a novel. 50k words in a month! Now November's more than half finished and I am still only on the 20k mark, less than a quarter of the novel in chapters and getting tired of rushing so much, writing stuffs that I'm not sure anybody would read.

Maybe it's better to write here, not much people read this, but at least it's free and people don't mind reading this.

Ah, anyway my novel would be about My NUS Experience, Semester 1, 2008. I wanted to write down this to let those who are interested in coming into NUS (or Singapore to a certain extend) to know what NUS life is like. This can even be used for people to know what University life is like. It is a varsity novel, an autobiography written in my way. Sometimes I think I may had been too detailed in it. Using my gmail, blog, and facebook, I am reconstructing my past, bringing me back to 3+ years ago. It was not easy seeing all my mistakes and blunders and arrogant self back then.

Especially with this blog that is full of spelling mistakes. And I am not sure if anyone would bother to read this, this mundane boring life. Ok I'll do my best to put in my quirkiness inside it, however, there is a limit to how detailed I can make my novel to be without wasting too much words on it.

20k now and school has not yet started! Amazing! These past few weeks has been full of obstacles to writing:
Zen Conference
Cyberarts website
Now I only got Jap 1 to study for, that's good.
SPS Congress, IRCC presentation... etc...
Now after 24th, I'm going to be a Kapiya, so 2 more days gone.... ahhh. so many stuffs to do...

Nope, now I feel very very free. Much more so than previous semesters, as I am now not chasing any anime/shows/movies/games/NUSBS (ok, just a little on this) to catch up with and just mainly concentrating on writing. I am amazed by how much I can just write here and when I need to write the hard parts of my novel, I can procrastinate a lot.

Typicals of Semester 7 life

This is yet another post about updates on my life. I think that I had better post this up for the future me to be able to recall what it was like to live in NUS back in Semester 7. I am currently writing my NUS Experience, Semester 1, 2008. It will be a novel, kind of a memoir. And in order to write it, I had to refer to my past emails, this blog, calendars, pictures on facebook, diary, and my memory.

Looking back at my previous posts, I did wrote a lot during semester 1, making it easy for me to be able to reconstruct my experience back then. So realizing that recently I had not had a lot of posts for the year 2011, I do think that I had better record down some parts of my current life for easier reference in the future.

Btw, looking back at my old posts, I detected a lot of spelling errors. It seems that my English wasn't so well. A deserving B- I got indeed for my English module.

Now, let's see, we'll start from Monday. 8-10am, I had Japanese tutorial A, I missed a lot of the tutorials and really can't catch up anymore. 10am-12pm I was supposed to have group meeting in SPS too, mentoring Rong En's group. Then 2-6pm is the Singapore Film module. After 6pm, it is MDC time! I keep on asking people from SPS to come with me. I thought that having no night classes on Monday and more interested Buddhist in SPS is going to make a difference. But it seems that I had to continue being the lonely figure going for MDC then. Wonderful. Then they bring me back to Utown, where the dinner which was until 9pm (now 10pm), was skipped, and I had another meal to treat someone else. It is hard to keep track of how many meals you had already. So far I had treated: Cai Yu, Shan Shan, Barry, Chin Xia, Si Hao, Minh, Tzyh Haur, Hung, Yun Zhi, Chang Jian, my parents, NUSBS people, and various other people.

Tuesday, morning breakfast are from 7-10am. I missed a lot of these by now. So I'm taking 2 breakfasts when I could wake up in time for it. There is an even week tutorial of Singapore Film at 12pm-2pm, I was almost always late for this, except for today, when I had to present too! 4-6pm is the Japanese Class. So during the middle 2 hour, I had gone back to SPS to eat at the Science Canteen, stayed at the Central Library to read comic, or to catch up on sleep. 6pm onwards, there used to be nothing except for Door to Tibetan Buddhism every 2 weeks. However, after recess week, I got myself involved in the Random Walks in Science, so I as the Group Coordinator feels a bit more responsibility to attend the Tuesday nights talks and seminars from 7-8 or 9pm. However, I had previously signed up and paid for a Tai Chi class from 6:30-8pm, 6 sessions for $55. Therefore I do feel wasted if I do not go for the Tai Chi classes. Which ultimately was too basic for me anyway, the others in the classes are really beginners level and I am tired of having to wait for them to catch up. I was the only undergraduate there too. Just now I had my last class and I am not signing up for another session again. Just nicely that this would be Random Walks in Science's last Tuesday activity too, taking a break for the exams. And amongst all these, 3 weeks of these features NUS Interfaith Group giving talks from Christianity, Taoism, and Hinduism. The rest of the sessions got cancelled and thereafter I was kinda glad that I had less competition for Tuesday nights.

Wednesday morning, 8-10am, Japanese Tutorial B. This is the one I had rescheduled just to make sure I can make it for a meeting for SPS mentoring. Then 10:30am I have a meeting with Dr. Kuldip Singh, my FYP supervisor. We usually meet for half an hour to one hour, and I am still making very little progress on this, due to not doing much work on my part mostly. Man, if I want a good record, I do better behave myself. 2-4pm is Wednesday IS. There was quite a few weeks that there wasn't an IS going on for the year 1 SPS students, for they had experiments to do. My IS then contains: Chammika, the staff, John, me and Pang Long, the mentors, Er Ning, Pei Hwa, Kripa, Yithing, and Xipias as the students. No physics students in the module of Atoms to Molecules, so most of the time, my IS is quiet, with a lot of prodding before they would talk. Chammika had to take lots of control because there is a structured syllabus to cover, and the mentor's role are very very very limited. Sometimes, we don't need to talk for the whole IS. After 4pm, there is the Meditation Course from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. Still hard to believe that I am the only one going from SPS. Maybe it is determined that I will not have a truly good spiritual friend from SPS who is also an avid Buddhist? Haiz... Now that the meditation course had finished, there is now a writing course by Jay Bernard 5-7pm, teaching us how to make poetry. It was she who introduced me to NaNoWriMo, moving me to write the novel I am writing now in a month. That is sooooo coooL! I must thank her later on today.

Then on Thursday, there an SPS meeting with Quang's group from 8-10am. After that, I come back to Utown and have the Cyberarts Class from 2-6pm. After the class, I go for Exploring Buddhism from 6:30pm-8pm. Met Kaellyn there too, who was doing research on Buddhism. This time around, the people attending it varies. A lot. This coming week, there will be a presentation on 100 years star ship. Amazing topic to attend by the Random Walks in Science too!

Friday, morning 10-11am Japanese tutorial C. I was getting used to memorizing the script 15 minutes before class. The rest of the day is free. I usually waste this day way until the fortnightly Dharma Circle, and sometimes I joined in the new MC's meeting, disrupting it a lot. So I do not wish to join in anymore of their meetings. Next up are the weekends.

My weekends are so varied. I think it is from the London experience, that I went for SPS NOC camp with Hannah once, and then gone to help Bro. Piya move the Minding Centre to a cheaper place with Katie, and also helped out NUSBS 33rd MC retreat, joining in a Meditation group that is super good and conducive, joined in Tzu Ching's activity, FGS Musical Night, IRCC, SBYM, Buddhist Youth Leaders Network, Fo Guang Shan Youth Dharma Camp, sleeping early, going to my uncle's home to visit my grandparents who were there at that time, visiting my fellow residential faculty's home or just spending most of the time at SPS, doing various stuffs. Stuffs that I usually do. Homework, dramas, socializing, missing someone... etc...

So that's about it. Upcoming is SPS Congress. Looking forward to the end of this semester and the beginning of my new life as an author. And I'm applying to MIT too. And Utown is really getting to be really nice! I'm loving it, despite it being so expensive. Look for more information about weekly and daily differences in facebook!

Updates on my life

Hey guys and gals,

It has been a while since I've updated about my life here.

After coming back from the UK, I've been loving the things I've bought there. Pokemon games, Sonic screwdriver of Doctor Who, my red leather shoes, etc....

I've also selected 3 modules to enjoy other than my Final Year Project.
LAJ1201 JAPANESE 1
SSA2218/TS2238 SINGAPORE FILM : PERFORMANCE OF IDENTITY
UAR2201 CYBERART
PC4199 HONOURS PROJECT IN PHYSICS

These are my official modules. However, due to various other commitments, I've got a lot of other stuffs in my IVLE now.

SPS mentorship:
SP2171 DISCOVERING SCIENCE
SP2173 ATOMS TO MOLECULES
SP3173 INDEPENDENT STUDY MODULE

USP residential college (at Cinnamon College, Utown)
URC1013 USP Residential College Floors 10-13
USPRWS Random Walks in Science (new cool USP stuffs)

Previous commitment, now not anymore.... The one I missed the most... Haha.
NUSBS2010 NUSBS

So 10 modules up there in IVLE, just when I am feeling the slackest.... The most I had was 8 modules up there when I took 7 and a half modules. This breaks the record!

CAP: confirmed Second Class Upper. Sadly, but it's worth the fun. I still didn't choose to rerun. Double sadly? I shouldn't make NUSBS too dependent on me. I should let go. That's what I tell myself at least. Even through it is not entirely true.

Believe me, I've entertained this possibility, even wanted to make people persuade me to do it. But I didn't. I controlled myself, told people I don't want to run, make up various bunch of excuses and stuffs to make myself and others around me not to persuade me to rerun. I needed to stop. I needed to get out. The truth is I needed more space and time for myself to heal. Am still healing. Am still glad that I didn't rerun.

A lot of times when I interact with the Management Committee or go to the weekly activities, I see a lot of things that should have been done better, a lot of people that should have been there. These times makes me sad, and glad that I didn't run (again), but also makes me realize that I am placing too high a standard on them... possibly. That I should back up and not interfere again. Again and again. It's kinda like breaking up (although I've never experienced it before, not properly) in a relationship.... there are times when I feel like getting it back again. Many terrible times when I miss the good old, interesting, cool, vibrant, door to my best buddies: The nusbs email.

Tonight marks the start of their first MC retreat. I would have loved to be in there. Would have given a lot of things to be there. To share in their deepest secret, desire, wish, motivation, together. However, sadly I am not part of the 33rd Management Committee, I am not going to interfere with their bonding session. I am putting a closure to this. An end to my previously "would have"s. There is no need for me to crave for something that I cannot get. To attach to that craving too. No need to suffer more, again.

That's about all for now. I'll be able to talk much more freely here again from now on. What a nice feeling! Anything you want me to say, just comment.

I love myself

Collection of my facebook status over the past 7 days.

I love myself because I'm special, unique, and I'm not afraid to be weird. I can even be normal at times if I want to. You know which word my friends has to use to describe me? There's only one. My name: Xin Zhao.

Day 2: I love myself because I am ok with everyone. Even through there were some social tensions (both of attraction and aversion) in my life, now, I am ok with everyone.

Day 3: I love myself because I am in SPS. Special Programme in Science, where the nights in SPS room can be very fun, studying and rushing homework together with a bunch of good friends.

Day 4: I love myself because I'm learning to get used to everything being different from last semester quite nicely. My best friend Hariom Jani not being my roommate anymore, staying in Utown, not being in NUSBS MC anymore, not taking 6 modules per semester anymore, not being lovesick anymore, and learning a whole new language Japanese.

Day 5: I love myself because........................I can spend one whole day on religious activities, more than a week on meditation retreats, 15 days as a novice monk, 2 years as NUSBS MC, 20-30 hours per week doing NUSBS Vice President job, go represent NUSBS in most of the outside activities, and the rest of my life practicing Buddhism — with Yap Cheng Seng and 33 others

Day 6: I love myself because I am suffering. Instead of hating myself because I am suffering.

Day 7: I love myself because... I am in Physics. I love Physics and I live Physics.

Vice President of NUSBS 2010/2011

Hi,

That's me. Vice President of NUSBS 2010/2011. This is the last 2 days of my term. 2 days before AGM. Now I am beginning year 4 of my undergrad life, and yet I still remember the sweet memories of attending my first NUSBS AGM back in 2008 when I was a freshman.

One of the things I do not like is that most of the posts have no competition, and yet we still have to vote. I even remembered that I asked so many questions to the candidates who were running. And was a bit annoyed at having to reintroduce my name, faculty and year before asking it. One of the questions was: why are year one people not allowed to run for MC?

I guess I didn't noticed Carmen back then. It was late.... very very late..... I was getting hungry and do not want to miss the last bus. It might be that when it was her time, I was a bit frustrated and was not concentrating on the event anymore. It turns out that she was the only year 1 who ran that year. I was just too busy feeling sad and sorry for myself to notice that. Well there were lots of things I think I could have done better, chosen better, cause it will affect the rest of my life.

Why did I missed matric fair? Or else I would had joined in NUSBS earlier..... why did I choose Friday night IS in SPS? Or else I would had attended the whole Welcome Tea, instead of bolting off after paying the $5 membership fee. Then after Welcome Tea it was AGM. And it will be too late to apply for a position now. Well, I didn't asked myself why did I go to Vietnam for IPhO instead of joining in Camp Ehi Passikho...... Nope, silver medal was worth it.

Ok, back to the story. I then wanted to be close with the 30th MC. I had gone for almost every Dharma Circle on Friday night if not all, changing my IS timing in order to do that. I've tried to join in as much BS activities that I find to be free, interesting, and when I am free.

That time, I had Monday nights of classes (SPS), then that ruled out Discovering Buddhism and MDC (both on Mondays), and then there is the Tuesdays Meditation course which is not free, but a Wednesday Meditation interest group which is (I've joined this, or tried to come). And Saturday mornings Welfare visit. Well, having waking up late (after a Dharma Circle, I usually go back to SPS to hang around until very late), and needing to travel outside (money....) I don't go for that one.... not much....

Well, came INCOVAR, I decided to increase more Buddhism in my life, wanting to attend every single activity we have. And during the first Camp Ehi Passikho in East Coast Park...... there was a prep talk by the 30th MCs to the subcoms (including me), briefing about the positions, and the roles that they need to fulfil. Someone jokingly asked me to run for President. I was thinking of only Dharma Director. Then Jacinta said: "maybe next year lah". And then... Carmen, who's the same year as me.... got to become the president, and I got to become the Deputy Dharma Director.

Well, seeing another round of "not much choices" by the voters and the President role only having one candidate.... I was frustrated again. And determined to aim for that post.

I had rescheduled Discovering Buddhism to Thursdays, tried to reopen the closed downed... Meditation Interest Group...Got the Meditation Course which moved to Wednesday, got forced to join in because I'm organising it.....Still going very little for Welfare Visit....or none at all.... joined in MDC finally.... oh and generally, joined in 4 of 5 weekly activities, making me one of the most, if not the most, active member (MC or otherwise) in the society.

One hard long year.....had passed, I've managed to survived, and had a generally bad time in the MC. However each and every activity charged me up... I've experienced becoming a novice, and even joined-organised a retreat! I do like being in the activities a lot.... despite being only me, alone, most of the time. I do like to go out to represent NUSBS too... a lot.

A bad time in the MC, mainly because we were all overworked, I didn't know how to utilise subcoms more efficiently, and I didn't get to be considered as potential President material.

I was aiming for Dharma Director..... again.... then comes a lot of various stuffs, I wanted to quit.... then came other various conditions..... and I came back.... to want to become the President or Vice President.

Eventually, it was decided that I become the Vice President...... I gave up the Pres. for wanting to stay away from Singapore for the whole 3 months of holiday... for summer research.

Well, that year, I ran for President, and Vice President. I wanted a competition, a choice for the voters to make. (Although I keep on telling people not to vote for me as president, and there was only Wai Kit and me running for these two positions, and... I made a speech that does not suit the occasion, talking to bridge the gap between the mindset of having Dharma/fellowship balance, which I saw them arising hand in hand due to people attending activities regularly).

Then I got in. During an intimate sharing session where no words uttered there goes beyond the walls of the temple we had MC retreat in.... I shared the above.

And what happened next.... was that I got to do a lot of things that I wanted to do..... helping to do the President job for a lot of the time, since Wai Kit was so busy with lots of other stuffs. Taking up any job I like and do it the way I like....... utilise and engage the subcoms to much greater and deeper levels than ever before, giving out and distributing jobs to people....

And no one distributed much of any jobs to me.... cause I volunteered for almost everything. Almost all TIBS involvement, all weekly events, etc..... and there really was not any need to give a job to me.... I find them.

One of the things I'm very very glad of was that Wai Kit passing me the president email to take care of for 2-3 weeks during the December holidays when he went to Thailand and India for Buddhism in Asia trip. I felt.... honoured.

I did not get MIT, Caltech and other Universities' Summer research Programme. So having thinking that.... well, it is likely that I'll have a long summer break.... I started to let go..... of the feeling that I didn't get to be the President of NUSBS and yet didn't managed to get to go for Summer research anyway.

Then came London. And I had started to push a lot of the jobs I used to do to Wai Kit.... making him work more and more.... more than me..... I see that as my way of making him deserving of the position that he holds. And right now, I feel, he is a very very good and capable President!

And then I came back from London.... it is all almost over now. Well, as a last wish come true, I got to be the presenter for Prezi Presentation of NUSBS at the Welcome Tea. Something that Carmen did last year.

Just today.... earlier today.... I was in a bus, with Rong En... asking him if he is running for President at Astronomy Society.

He said no. I asked why.

The reply is that Vice President lets you do what you want to do. Not everyone turns to you for what to do and you're not in the spotlight all the time.

I immediately reciprocated well, and finally realised that.... I do not need to be a President. I've gotten what I wanted, and more. I've gotten 14 spiritual friends, 14 special people whom I shall appreciate and treasure... as the whole of the holy life.

Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get. I'm not successful, I'm happy.

Extreme

Ok now, too much playtime.

This is perhaps one of the ways I realign myself after going too extreme in one direction or another. Blogging.

I always tend to go to extreme measures of what I believed in. (Extremely long post too.)

First thing off my head is going Vegetarian. Back in my early secondary school, I've read a book about how humans can choose to not eat meat for the sake of compassion for the animals that were killed for the meat. I've gone cold turkey vegetarian then. If it wasn't some resistance plus persuasion that I need meat during this period of physical growth, I would have been vegetarian for a long time by now. Update: currently, I'm pro-vegetarian (for environmental reasons plus compassion), that means I mostly eat vegetarian food, but I do not forbid myself from eating meat. By the way, London is a very good place to be a vegetarian, lots of choices for vegan food here (compared to Singapore).

A few years later I had known Buddhism. Read the books, gone so deep so fast into the theories and accepted what I see as obvious truths, that I decided to have "monk" in my email. As usual, the teachings preach of the middle way, not the extreme way. And I took the extreme way. I decided to be a monk, no I swore to be a monk. A vow, without regard that I have not yet even tasted most of what lay life can give me. If it isn't for the lack of spiritual friends and wisdom, I would not have been out of touch with Buddhism for a period of my life. Of course, it took me years later on to see that the way to Enlightenment is not the extreme way that gets you there faster. It is not a intermediate goal to achieve and get rid off so that I can get on with life. It is rather to realise that life itself is impermanent (still don't realise it, just putting it here to say I don't realise it). Update: Currently I am the Vice President of National University of Singapore Buddhist Society for the academic year 2010/11, going back into Buddhism, gently, calmly, (sorry I still won't use slowly), practising it step by step.

The period of my life that I was out of touch with Buddhism comes Physics. Or should I say science fiction? I've been inspired by the science fiction authors, Asimov, Clark, Leinster, whose (some) stories predicted the future of technology and in some cases science itself! Inspired to be one of the science fiction writers, I took to the science part seriously and took some non-fiction science (physics) books to read and enjoy. My interest in Physics paid off when I got selected to represent Malaysia for the International Physics Olympiad 2007 and 2008 (ya, twice). It was the highlight of my life (up to that point) and it determined my university degree choice. Although I have yet written a science fiction book nor published any short stories in a science fiction magazine, I still do know that part of the reason I took to physics is that I want the science in my science fiction stories to be foolproof, to be real and not discredited by future knowledge and not to mislead the majority of the world who doesn't know the intricacies of consistency of physics (example, any stories that have wormhole, faster than light travel technologies must have a way of explaining away the grandfather paradox. Ya, faster than light means time travel, most science fiction disregard that, and it is not right.)

Let me take another paragraph (or two) to tell you why it is not right. If there is a proof (due to the ultimate quantum gravity theory) that time travel of all sorts are impossible, or at least chronology is protected. Then it is a guide for how much can humans hope to conquer the stars. If time travel are impossible, we will have to stick to the hope that we can go close to light speed and use the time dilation as a practical means of space travelling (like Orson Scott Card's Ender series). If not, then we will have to stick to building a whole world for generations to live in for a trip to the next star system (like Rendezvous with Rama, only the first book, by Clark). And all science fiction stories should follow their example to set a realistic outlook for the general public to know that the future is going to be much harder than we thought. Therefore we need to stick together and aim for a bright future for humanity, and not frown upon petty disputes, wars, allow our planet to warm up too much too fast, and concentrate on what matters to the survival of the species (least we meet the same fate as the Earth in Asimov's End of Eternity).

So in a larger sense, theoretical physicist, even mathematicians are contributing to the world. In fact, when humanity turn back and look upon this period of time, they would credit them most for being the base and the backbone for space-travel to be real.

Ok, back to the issue, so Update: I am still reading up on science fictions (after a break, recently read the main Dune series) and knowing what do I want to write about. By the way, Imperial College London has a great Science Fiction Library! It's cool to hang out there!

After getting into NUS and studying what I wanted to study, two important changes came into my life: Laptop (with high speed internet) and living away from parents. This brings us to extreme entertainment. (Maybe I should include the relief of having gone through so many exams and test to come to University only to repeat it every semester.) I had seen so many series, superhero cartoons, played so many video games that I was gradually getting my laptop to be free from computer games and try not to get hooked up to more than one series (of drama/anime/comedy/etc) per semester. Update: I just brought Pokemon Black with a special edition of Nintendo DSi, and I have been on it for about 30 hours now. By the way, in London, the game looks cheaper, and lots of pokemon events are in United Kingdom! Including a National Video Game Championship!

With the lowering down my concentration on games and getting back on my feet with Buddhism and Physics, I've stumbled upon the thing that most songs, movies, layperson, books mentioned or based upon. It is the single essential thing for the continuation of the human species and for most people the meaning of their lives. It is love, Boy-Girl Love. Initially I didn't started out extremely in love, in fact, I was the extreme not eligible single guy out there (read the post about how I used to repel girls).

However, in front of her, in her presence, I automatically get a hold of myself and stop pretending to be weird and kiddish. I made sure I undo all the undesirable things in me that I've made into part of my habit. I was not behaving naturally as me. Soon I found that I was trying hard to change myself (this is part of the reason, there are other reasons not to be too weird). Soon it became obvious that I was much happier with her around, I enjoyed thinking about her every single time free time that I had. And I also faced a great battle within me, one that I had to choose which future path to take. One that is essentially captured in the movie Samsara. I had tried and tried, so.... hard to forget about her and remember impermanence, non-self, and suffering, but every single time I see her, I cannot help but fall in love again.

I guess in terms of being extreme, I did this: I broke off the vow of being a monk in order to chase her (this is just basic requirements), and when I did it, I inadvertently put her as the meaning of my life. That is extreme. Extreme is also not thinking this through, what if she rejects me? What if we were not meant for each other? I didn't think that through when I changed the meaning of my life so suddenly. I didn't know that there is only one of two roads to head for when saying "I love you" to a girl: you either get rejected/break up eventually or you get married. All I could think of then was that I was prepared to get committed, to overcome my repulsion towards the idea of settling down with another human being, sharing everything. And I certainly did not know how painful it was when someone rejects you. Maybe it was not as painful if I had not been too extreme (again), if I had stayed back, held back and see, really see without attached love blinding me, what chances have we together, before pouring out so much emotions into one person. Perhaps the stupidest thing I had done is to make myself receive multiple rejections, after telling myself each time to lay it off. Gradually it worked, mind training paid off a little, and I am getting more and more neutral, more and more into getting used to being single and not infatuated. By the way, this trip to London helps a lot! I am alone here! Yippie!

I had made it a policy to not include sad, defamatory, personal attack, provocative, and unmemorable things in this blog, or to shorten the painful ones as much as possible. This policy, however, did not force me to say: I am glad I fell in love anyway. It is better to have love and lost than not to have love at all. I had learned much from this experience, how to make friends, how to court a lady, to see just how strongly dedicated am I to my cause, to write this as neutral as possible without any hurtful emotions, to finally appreciate all the love stories and songs, to know how much more I need to train up. Update: currently, not wanting to experience all these again.

So now, back to the theme: Extreme. What had being an extremist taught me? Well, maybe I am a bit too extremely frank about my life here. In this public space, I am sharing the turmoil and thoughts of my personal life. Well, maybe that's just my style. Being too extreme is a way of life. It does not guarantees that you get what you want, but it does guarantees suffering, one way or another, suffering is an essential part of our lives. It teaches us as most people would say. I say it motivates for the practice. The practice to end all sufferings, the Noble 8 Fold-path, the middle way (between extremes).

P.S. Sorry it may look like I'm saying being a monk is the extreme way. I meant that I think of myself as an enlighten one at that time, thus deluded myself into a serious depressed state when I discovered that I was far from perfect. Thus I needed to remove myself from all things Buddhism to regain some sanity back.