Vow

5 years ago, a kid vowed to do all he can to attain enlightment in this very lifetime. That vow was made in the form of wanting to become a monk. Casting aside the 15 years worth of morality, the kid put the base of this vow right at the bottom of his soul. He treated it as a goal to fight for, just like Goku fighting all those tough bad guys, he did his best to uphold the good conduct passionately, but at last, inexperience and wrong views caused him to think that he's perfect when he's not. As a result, he suffered, Suffered more than anything on earth can induce, cause it's self inflicting. The deeper he got, the more he struggled, the harder it was to break free from that suffering. The suffering that hunts him every second of his waking moments. Up on to the edge of insanity. Then he forgot about it and just studied.

Time passed and time healed his wound, he realised bit by bit where did he got wrong, He learned that he's too rushed in the one thing that he should slow down on. He got control of his mind back, bit by bit and stabilized. And turned his interest in something else, something that he can fight passionately for, something that can fill the gap inside of him. And he was rewarded in the field, making him as happy as he had been before, and so he got stronger and stronger everyday. Until the time comes that he should face what's been bothering him again. But this time, he took his time. Mixing with friends in a local University, he was happy learning the truth step by step. Then the motto of just having fun became his reason to live on. But one year passed, and we come to the present, many stress has developed that he can no longer justify living is for fun. He must have another goal, a reason to live for, something to motivate him to fight.

Today, I finally remembered that vow, and how that kid misused it to his misery. Today I realised that the vow is not a dream, it's not a goal to fight for passionately, it's not something you can achieve and then aim for another. It's for the dissolution of passion, it's for the end of suffering, it's the ultimate, the last aim of my life. So I'm not going to forget it anymore. Cause I vowed from the bottom of my heart. I'm going to be more aware of my conduct, my actions, speech and thoughts. I'm going to find another goal in life in the meantime, until such a chance arise that I should have nothing else to do, I'll put on the robes. Now, I'm a physicist, I'm going to contribute to the world, I'm going to fight passionately.

And until the time comes that I should stand more firmly in the Dharma, I may consider taking bodhisattva vows.

Now I can remember how to laugh and love from the bottom of my heart.